Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
