Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
