shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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