I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
