I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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