I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize