I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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