You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
