I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He did a backflip because drugs
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