If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
