I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
