I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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