If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
