apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
