My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize