The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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