im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
