I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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