I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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