Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize