I CAN MOONWALK!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
