i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
