I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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