Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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