today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
