The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
