if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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