meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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