what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
