I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
