That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
not ubering you a puppy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
God I need to hump something, right now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
