Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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