never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
