Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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