WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
