The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
