Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
