when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
