my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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