At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
