Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
