Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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