Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
