Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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