I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
