You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
