We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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