Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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