If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
