I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
