At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
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I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Did you pee in the oven last night??
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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