I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
