I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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