Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize