I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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