I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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