hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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