If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
