If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
